Canada: (three and a half stars)

Like the overly liberal Deep Impact in the face of the much louder Armageddon, Canada constantly exists in the minds of many as an overshadowed second-best, as sitting to the south (as you know) is the United States of America. Much like Deep Impact (with it’s Black President), Canada can be attacked as overly earnest and in-your-face-liberal, but it is commendable none the less. Canada is progressive in attacking global warming, is pretty harsh in the face of frivolities such as littering and smoking outside that are tolerated elsewhere, turns a near blind-eye to marijuana misdemeanours, has proportional representation and an earnest populace not afraid to discuss their weekend’s finer details in the middle of a crowded bus. Canada’s main problem is psychological, it is even overshadowed inside itself by the United States of America. Its major sports teams all play in American Leagues and barely win. They idolise ice hockey (and quite frankly the full-frontal embracing of toothless, violent ice-hockey culture is a slight clash with all the clean niceness they have to throw around) but it’s been years since they had a hand on the Stanley Cup.  It’s major newspapers all place superstar American politicians on the front page at the expense of breaking local news. It has plenty of movie stars, but you’d only know who they were when you’re inside the country lines.

Canada’s a little bit like Ned Flanders, but not. It’s a nice kind of neighbour that lives next to the family where the husband and wife both have nice cars and vote Republican and make heaps of money and have a nice television. It’s always there for you, and it’s doing alright and has heaps going for it, but you’re still going to look at the really, really nice car in the next-door neighbours drive-way. Canada’s pretty happy just to be invited to dinner and have you keep it in mind when you’re sending out Christmas cards, except secretly it’s not. It has a slight chip on it’s shoulder. Which marks it down half a star. There’s no greater sin in Canada than admitting that there’s a little bit of small man syndrome going on.

And let’s not ignore that it suffers a little bit from an identity crisis. It’s bestest, most kick-ass city is despised across the country as being too American, but then it’s second best city is part of a province that wants to secede and become it’s own damn country. Didn’t its neighbour have a war over the breaking of the union?  Those Americans and their guns huh? Canada doesn’t believe in gun violence. So says Michael Moore, but people still get shot in Canada. So I don’t know.

It could use being slightly less ludicrous, stop mispronouncing out and have a currency that isn’t referred to as the loonie. But this is just an aside.

Canada succeeds though, even if it does need to relax a bit. It succeeds through the fact that it has miles of country-side, ski fields, and now oil (oil! ye-ah!). It’s a big beast, with a bite to it, it’s long, cold winters giving it a sort of film-noir hard-man edge. And it marries this with buying into heaps of other things that I enjoy in the whole North-American package; easy access to enticingly well priced consumer goods, hipster culture, well laid out rock’n'roll clubs filled out by well credentialled rock’n'roll bands, and a subway, which we don’t have anywhere in New Zealand.

It also doesn’t have an economy in free-fall and a government burdened with debt from an unsuccessful war. Like most places, Canadians hold a slight disdain for their countries leader, but they do not hold the American dispair at the flailings of Bush.

So, Canada’s a good place! It’s the solid guy that gets kicked out of Big Brother late in the piece, but just didn’t have enough tricks in the bag to win. If it could admit this, and let go of that slight level of second-place disdain, it might really start to go from strength to strength.

It is still to master the delicate “so uncool it’s cool, so ironic it’s not, so unironic it is” balance. So for now dear Canada, keep rocking the cool sweaters and trying hard.

People see you. I promise.

*****

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